What 14 therapists want you to know about grief
What 14 therapists want you to know about grief
Most people donât spend much time thinking about loss until it arrives on their doorstep. is one of the most universal experiences humans share, and yet itâs still one many rarely feel ready for. After experiencing loss, people can be left reeling, unsure how to grieve, and often wondering whether or not what theyâre feeling is normal.
The truth is that grief looks different for everyone. âThere is no one-size-fits-all approach or reaction to grief,â explained , a licensed clinical social worker and director of clinical programs at Thriveworks. âThe key is to allow yourself to feel, on your own timeline, and to give yourself grace.â
Of course, that can sometimes feel easier said than done. So asked licensed mental health professionals what they wish more people understood about grief. Hereâs what they said.
1. The only way through grief is to feel it.
It can be tempting to try to be âstrongâ and power through when youâre grieving, but that wonât help you process a loss or feel better faster.
âGrief isnât something we âsolve,â but it is something we have to work through and go through,â said , a licensed mental health counselor at Thriveworks. This doesnât mean you have to think about your loss 24/7, but when hard emotions do come up, try to acknowledge them rather than push them away.
âTo know that you are going to have to sit with and work with your feelings can be tough, but it can also be helpful to know that youâre not doing anything wrong by working through your feelings and feeling stuck sometimes,â Kritsas added. âThat is just part of the process.â
2. Youâre not meant to carry grief alone.
âGrief is best navigated in communityânot necessarily a large community, but a quality one,â said , a licensed professional counselor at Thriveworks. âThe right people can provide space to be honest, supported, and seen without having to rush the process.â
Even if youâre someone who tends to keep your emotions to yourself, itâs important to open up to trusted people and let your circle show up for you. If you donât feel comfortable sharing with your friends and family, you might consider looking into local or virtual grief support groups to find a sense of community and understanding. Grief counseling can also be a helpful outlet.
3. Grief doesnât shrink; we just grow around it.
âA common misconception about grief is that it shrinks over time. It never does. We just become a bigger container for it,â explained , a licensed clinical social worker. âEarly in grief, our container is small, so grief spills into every moment and washes out every aspect of life. Over time, we expand enough to hold the immensity of grief alongside connection, presence, gratitude, and even play.â
Just remember that this takes time, and thereâs no set timeline for when youâll feel like youâve truly grown alongside the grief. So try to be patient.
4. Pretty much everyone feels like theyâre doing it wrong.
Self-criticism and judgment are unfortunately common during the grieving process.
âWhen youâre grieving, itâs normal to feel like youâre doing it wrong,â said , Psy.D., a licensed psychologist. âYou might have days and weeks where it feels like youâve been stuck in the same emotional place for a long time, and you might have days where things feel better than you think you âshould.ââ Try to give yourself grace for however youâre doing.
5. Grief is more than just sadness.
Donât be shocked if you feel a range of emotions while youâre grieving.
âGrief comes in many forms, and it is not always experienced as sadness. Sometimes, it can be anxiety or fatigue; other times it may seem like irritability, , or even just not feeling like yourself,â said , Ph.D., a licensed psychologist and founder of Ally Psychological Therapy.
So be gentle with whatever emotions come up for you. âSometimes the first step toward healing from grief is simply naming and accepting that youâre grieving,â Dillon added.
6. You donât need to stop missing them.
Healing doesnât mean reaching some arbitrary end point where you donât still think about them often.
âThe goal isnât to stop missing the person or what was lost. Itâs learning how to hold both, the grief and the good memories,â said , a licensed mental health counselor. âHealing from loss doesnât mean leaving someone or the memories behind. It means learning how to carry them with you in a different way.â
7. Youâre going to be different after loss, and thatâs OK.
Loss can change how you see yourself, how you value life, and what your priorities are. You donât have to pressure yourself to become the exact same person you were before the loss.
âGrievers are often pressured to âmove onâ or get back to being their âold self.â Grievers will never be the person they were before their loved one died,â said , a licensed clinical social worker. âGrief is an initiation. It challenges people to reconsider their values, and that takes time. They need time to feel their pain, process what theyâve lost, and discover who they are as a result.â
8. The âstagesâ of grief arenât a universal road map.
Youâve probably heard about the (denial, , bargaining, depression, and acceptance), but that doesnât mean that your grief will necessarily follow this pattern. Some people even experience that surfaces weeks, months, or years later.
âWhile the stages of grief are often referenced in conversations about loss, whatâs frequently missed is that they donât unfold in a neat, linear way,â explained , a licensed marriage and family therapist. âIn reality, grief looks more like a tangled ball; people move in and out of different stages, sometimes returning to the same place again and again.â
And there isnât necessarily an end point or finish line. âWe donât arrive somewhere at the end of these stages,â Gaddini-Birdwell added. âIt becomes integrated into our lives and can resurface over time, especially during meaningful moments like milestones, transitions, or reminders of whatâs been lost.â
9. Grief isnât something to âget over.â
âI think one of the most common misconceptions about grief is that it is something someone has to âget overâ or âwork through,ââ said , a licensed clinical social worker. âThe goal is not to âovercomeâ grief, but rather to learn how to integrate the grief into a still meaningful, fulfilling life.â
So instead of focusing on getting over your grief, try focusing on learning how to live with the loss while still finding fulfillment in your life through other ways. âWhen we take off the pressure to âfeel better,â we find that grief can coexist with all other emotional experiences, even joy,â Shill added.
10. Grief can feel like a roller coaster.
For most people, grief is anything but linear, explained , a licensed clinical social worker at Thriveworks. âThere will be ups and downs, and then there will be loops and corkscrews. People will think that because they are âdownâ on the roller coaster, that they are regressing, and this is not the case,â he said. âGrief is complicated, and some days we are more OK with it than other days.â
So the next time youâre having a âdownâ day, remember that it doesnât mean youâre back at square one. Itâs just the unpredictable nature of grief.
11. Try to find balance between grieving and doing things that bring you joy.
Feeling the pain associated with grieving is key, but itâs also important to find a balance between honoring your grief and allowing yourself to keep living.
âIt can be harmful to be all-consumed by grief for prolonged periods of time, or to ruminate about the grief all day for weeks on end,â said , a licensed clinical social worker. âRather, I would encourage people to set aside some time each day, if possible, to allow feelings of sadness and thoughts about the grief to arise without holding on to them or pushing them away.â
For example, Kimbrough suggests setting a 20-minute timer each day to allow yourself to sit with your feelings and cry. Once that time is up, try pivoting to something that brings you a sense of accomplishment or meaning, like calling a friend, cooking your favorite meal, or whatever other activity helps you feel fulfilled.
12. You may experience secondary losses, too.
Itâs not uncommon for a loss to send ripple effects out to other areas of your life, whether itâs your relationship, your financial security, or your sense of identity.
âEverything this loss touchesâsecondary lossesâadds another distinct layer to your grief,â said , a licensed clinical social worker. âBecause of this, your grief journey isnât a straight shot from point A to point B, but ends up making countless detours and stops, and you grieve each of those losses with a different intensity.â
13. Grief flare-ups are normal.
âItâs normal for your feelings to intensify surrounding anniversaries or experiences that remind you of the person, even if itâs been a while since your person has passed,â said , a licensed professional counselor with Thriveworks.
These flare-ups donât mean you arenât healingâtheyâre a normal part of grieving. You can look at these reminders as a chance to celebrate and commemorate the person you love.
That said, if youâve been dealing with persistent and overwhelming grief for over six months, you might be dealing with and may benefit from checking in with a mental health professional.
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