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Not my love language: Common phrases that are signs of romance scams

Every relationship influencer and self-help podcaster worth their weight in clicks knows about red flags — narcissistic behavior, codependency, emotional unavailability, all the usual suspects. But we’re interested in a whole different kind of romantic red flag: the types of language and specific phrases romance scammers use to lure in their victims.

As a grift that relies purely on one-to-one communication, language is one of the key signs of romance scams, reports. And as a racket that , learning scammers’ love language (hint: it’s not quality time) is more than worth it — because there’s a whole lot more at stake here than splitting the check at a bad date.

Key takeaways

• Romance scams typically fall into the catfishing category
• As emotional grifts, they rely on language to exploit connections
• Some key phrases can be essential red flags

The Basics of Romance Scammer Phrases

By and large, take the form of , which is the act of hiding behind a made-up persona and the blinders of long-distance communication, like texts or DMs, in order to manipulate someone into an emotional relationship. In rare cases, catfish are just sickos who like the thrill of the game, but most of the time, romance scammers catfish their victims to shake them down for money, or for valuable private info that will lead them to money. It’s an often long-term con that can do as much emotional harm as it can financial damage.

Because catfishing relies on forming an emotional connection in order to make people vulnerable, language is at the heart of the scam. Speaking to CNBC, former White House chief information officer Theresa Payton says, “What people need to realize is that people behind these types of scams could teach a master class in human behavior. They know the different emotional trigger points that we all have, and that’s when they strike.”

Keep in mind that not every romance scammer phrase is an immediate catfish red flag — some romantic clichés become clichéd for a reason, and they’re bound to pop up in a legit fling, too. What you want to look out for is when the signs of romance scams and the associated language start to stack up.

Now let’s explore some categories and examples of those emotional trigger points before you get shot through the heart — and you’re to blame (if you don’t learn your scammer language red flags).

Bright Red Flags: Secrecy

Some romance scammer phrases have become so ubiquitous that they should set off alarm bells immediately. Chief among them are calls to keep the relationship secret, or isolate the victim from their family, friends, and community (who might call the scammer’s BS). Be on high alert for , or similar variations of these:

• “Let’s keep this relationship private.”
• “I don’t trust your family.” / “I don’t trust your friends.”
• “It can be our little secret.”
• “I don’t trust anyone but you.”
• “Keep this between us.”

Love Bombing

Deployed by scammers and IRL emotional abusers alike, is a form of psychological abuse in which the bomber goes way overboard with affection in order to manipulate you into a relationship with them. Excessive flattery, over-the-top praise, and immediate, highly committed plans for your relationship’s future are just some love bombing tactics that romance scammers love to use — after all, it’s a perfect tactic for a scam that relies on manipulating victims into faux relationships.

Some love bombing romance scammer phrases might include:

• “I’ve never felt this way about anyone else.”
• “You’re perfect.”
• “I feel like I’ve known you forever.”
• “I’ve never met anyone like you before.”
• “You’re the only one for me.”
• “You complete me.”
• “I can’t imagine my life without you.”
• “I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.”
• “I can’t wait to build a life together.”
• “I want to spend every waking moment with you.”
• “You make my life so much better by being in it.”
• “I can’t stop thinking about you. You’re always on my mind.”
• “You’re my soulmate.”
• “This is fate.”
• “We’re meant to be together.”

Pressure, Deflection, and Other Tactics

A lot of romance scammer language falls into the category of, obviously, romance. But that’s only part of the ploy, mainly designed to lure victims into dropping their guard. To get what they really came for, the catfish will eventually ask for money or private information. And that phase of the phony relationship often involves pressure tactics, where you might hear nuggets like this:

• “If you love me, you’ll help me.”
• “I’m in a difficult situation and need your help.”
• “I’m having a medical emergency.”
• “I’m stranded and need funds urgently.”
• “My family is in trouble.”

This part of the scam can take the form of pretty much any story the catfish can cook up, but there are some stories and themes they love to use. Military jobs, , or are lies that can help bolster an emotional connection while providing a convenient excuse for never meeting in person. Give phrases like this the side eye:

• “I’m a soldier stationed overseas.”
• “I’m constantly travelling internationally for work.”
• “I’m stuck in [foreign country] because of my family.”
• “I work on an oil rig.”

And of course, catfish will come up with any excuse they possibly can to avoid video chatting or meeting in person. Here’s some of that deflecting language:

• “I’d love to meet, but I’m overseas/in another country.”
• “I’d love to FaceTime, but I’m working in a remote area and the internet’s bad.”
• “Once I finish this job, we’ll be together.”
• “Something came up.”
• “My phone camera/webcam isn’t working right now.”
• “Let’s take this to WeChat/WhatsApp.”

Frequently Asked Questions

So now that you’re at least partially fluent in catfish, it’s time to dig a little deeper. Here are some of the most commonly asked questions when it comes to romance scammers and romance scammer phrases.

Will a romance scammer meet you in person?

As a rule of thumb, a romance scammer will not meet you in person. In fact, most catfish and romance scammers will make up every excuse under the sun to not meet in person – though they’ll very often string you along with promises to meet, and a litany of excuses for why they couldn’t, for as long as they can.

What questions should I ask a romance scammer over text?

On the flip side of romance scammer phrases, there are some things you can say if you’re suspicious. Ask them for a video call or for a photo of them doing whatever they claim to be occupied with at the moment. Always ask for their social media, and gauge how they respond (or don’t) to specific personal questions (“what was your first pet?,” “what’s your most vivid childhood memory?,” “what’s your least favorite book?”). And put their name, phone number, or email address into a .

How long does it take for a romance scammer to ask for money?

There’s no rule here — depending on the scammer, they might make the ask just a few DMs into the flirtation, or they might string you on for months at a time.

How can I tell if someone is a romance scammer?

Alongside all the romance scammer phrases we’ve gone over, be wary of common catfish tactics like:

• Rushing into emotional intensity, serious commitment, or plans for your future together way too quickly (see also: love bombing).
• Inconsistencies in their story.
• Attempts to isolate you from your friends, family, or social groups.
• Pressure to keep the relationship a secret.
• Photos that have been stolen from social media profiles or other online sources, or that are AI-generated.
• A tendency to deflect conversations away from themselves and avoid answering personal questions.

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