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The warning signs someone isn’t who they say they are online (or in person)

It was 2018. Laura Kowal, an Illinoisan and recent widower, was excited to start talking to potential romantic partners again, so she made a profile on Match.com, one of the most popular online dating websites. A few days later, “Frank Borg,” a financial advisor living in Sweden, started talking to Laura. Laura quickly fell for Frank and soon began a two-year flurry of financial activity that cost her an estimated $1.5 million.

After Laura’s death (her body was found floating in the Mississippi River), the manner of which is still undetermined, her daughter found mountains of correspondence between her mother and Frank, a still-at-large scammer suspected to be operating from Ghana. Laura created fake LLCs and dating profiles, wired money to fraudulent companies, and even opened a line of credit against her mortgage—all under Frank's direction.

Laura Kowal’s is an extreme example of an all-too-common scheme known as romance fraud. It’s a , according to the Federal Trade Commission; true financial losses are undoubtedly more than what’s reported.

The most common refrain from victims of romance scammers is a variation of “I never thought it could happen to me.” But victims cover every income bracket, educational level, race, sex, and age. That means it could happen to you, but a few tips and some crucial information about the practice can protect your heart and bank account. Here, outlines the red flags to watch for and how to protect yourself.

Looks Can Be Deceiving… and Sometimes Downright Untruthful

Even though “Catfish,” the popular TV show featuring online impersonators and romance scammers, has been around for nearly 14 years, romance scams remain prevalent. While many catfishers and romance scammers simply want attention or to live vicariously through a different avatar, others are after money.

What these fraudsters have in common is the audacity to prey on rudimentary human emotions—love and belonging. Humans have been primed, after hundreds of thousands of years of evolution, to rely on others for support.

Romance scammers often target people in emotionally vulnerable situations, such as recent widows and divorcees. After they get their victims emotionally invested in the “relationship,” they start asking for favors. Scammers might become increasingly aggressive over time to siphon more and more money. It’s little wonder that romance scams are, on average, the most type of impostor fraud.

5 Indications Your Online Flame Is a Scammer

It can be disheartening (at best) to realize the nice person you’re chatting with online may be a romance scammer. The earlier you find out, though, the better. Here are five red flags that often arise with romance fraud.

1. They make a love declaration fairly early after the first message.

Attraction between two people can happen rather quickly, but John Denver nailed it when he said that true love takes time. Early can signal that your online crush is much more interested in your finances than your actual self.

2. Their messages persist no matter how disinterested you become.

If the love bombing gives you pause, you might want to cool things off with your new friend. If they remain abnormally persistent in their efforts to worm their way into your heart or do not at least acknowledge your concerns, however, you should become even more skeptical. Romance scammers do not stop easily; fraud is their livelihood, after all.

3. They continually decline video chats.

Taking online chats to the next level usually involves live video calls. Seems natural, right?

Romance scammers—especially catfishers—will make every excuse not to get on a video chat. Beware of someone whose video technology seems to always be “broken.” Extend the same skepticism to chatters who can never seem to find time to meet in person.

4. The messages come out of nowhere.

Nearly half of romance scams . If a stranger flirtatiously messages you on Facebook or Instagram, proceed only with extreme caution. Although plenty of fraudsters go through dating sites, social media can be even more lucrative, as they lack many of the same verification procedures and safeguards.

5. They ask for money or gift cards.

More often than not, romance scammers are simply after your money. The variations on the I-need-money-desperately scam are endless, but they often coincide with a sudden emergency, such as legal trouble or a relative’s illness.

3 Indications Your In-Person Date Is Up to Something

Simon Leviev, more commonly known as the Tinder Swindler following Netflix’s popular 2022 documentary of the same name, represents one of the most extreme examples of in-person romance scams. Over the course of several years, he reaped nearly $10 million from dozens of people, mainly women he emotionally manipulated into believing he was their exclusive romantic partner.

While relatively few romance scammers have the gall to meet their victims in person, you can never rule it out. Watch out for these behaviors.

1. They seem overly eager about cohabitating.

The more efficient romance scammers are, the more money they can pocket. If they believe they can get money out of you, they won’t waste any time moving the relationship to the next stage. Having easy access to your checkbook and other personal belongings makes the fraud that much easier.

2. They change the subject when the talk turns to personal details.

Romance fraudsters don’t want you to discover that (nearly) everything they’ve told you is untruthful. The more you dig into the details, the more their story falls apart. They’d rather talk about matters that can’t be verified—or not—online.

3. They seem focused on investments or money-making opportunities.

A common tactic in romance scams is to ask victims for financial help with fake investments. Scammers assure victims that the opportunities are sure bets and they’ll be able to repay them with the returns.

Protecting Yourself From Romance Scams

Unfortunately, covering every known strategy used by romance scammers is not possible. Romance scammers will continue to evolve alongside technology, and constant vigilance is a must.

Following these rules will give you a huge advantage over scammers, though:

• Don’t send money or personally identifiable information to people you’ve just met.
• If your chatting partner can’t come meet you in person, at least ask them to video chat. Constant refusals should raise your antenna for fraud.
• Ask a loved one for their opinion on your new friend; infatuation can sometimes cloud our logic.
• Verify their details using online .
• Reverse search their profile pictures online to find the images’ origins.
• Report suspected fraud to the and your state attorney general.

Guard Your Heart This Valentine’s Day

True love, for most people, is worth risking a little heartache. Before you start spending your hard-earned money on someone else, though, it’s well worth and verifying the information they give you.

Scammers know how to take advantage of good-intentioned people and their natural longing for companionship. Fraud will always exist in some capacity, and it’s far better to understand the signs before it finds its way to your inbox.

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